Michael vs. Pinot Grigio

A gigolo with wings?“-Nora Ephron, Michael

(Spoilers, spoilers everywhere)

Murphy- Goode Pinot Grigio

(My) Wine Thoughts: Ugh, this is so dry and bitter. If you for some reason enjoy dry and bitter flavors, you’ll love this one. To me, it tastes like bland pineapple and lemon or Cook’s Champagne. 2 Stars

(My) Movie Thoughts: I’m going to say something that might be unpopular, anything that begins with a Randy Newman song is an automatic “nope” in my opinion (Toy Story is the ONLY exception). As I begin my review of this movie, I actually feel kind of bad dragging it because I know it’s a favorite of Will’s mom. But, the show must go on and hopefully she can forgive me as I rip into one of her faves… Plot-wise, from what I’ve gathered, this movie is about a petulant, slutty angel (Travolta) who looks like a big, dumb chicken and comes down to earth to get his rocks off with Earth women and “save” one of the main characters by teaching him to love, or something (I still don’t understand how he accomplished the latter). This convoluted plot barely held my attention, in fact I think I think I disassociated as to not actively engage. Why did I hate this movie so much you ask? Well, it was boring and stupid. I gather that it was supposed to be heartwarming, sentimental, maybe a bit philosophically profound, but it was neither of these things, it wasn’t even remotely clever. Not to mention the acting was terrible. It seemed like the actors were trying to play their characters in a wholesome way, but instead it translated to all of the characters appearing to a few fries short of a Happy Meal. As I watched this movie, I kept thinking about other horrible or mediocre 90s films I’d rather be watching. Remember Powder? I’d much rather give that a watch that than this turd of a movie. What truly baffles me, is that it brought in 95 million the year it came out. The only thing I can imagine is that anyone who came of age during the 70s and loved Travolta, must have been the active proponents of this movie…  1 Star (I’d give it zero stars if I could)

(My)Comparison: Both are terrible in my eyes, but I respect the wine. At least the wine has some kind of depth and character. Minus Will’s mom (who is lovely and unlike this grotesque characterization I’m about mouth off about), I think if I were to envision the persona of someone who would like both, it would be someone’s WASP’y, racist, grandmother. She’d have angel regalia all over her house, be hyper-religious, make horrible comments about immigrants and emphatically state that it was a “safer world” in the 1930s “without all of these brown people”. She would hate seasoned food and joy. This movie-varietal combo would give her some type of safe release (he’s an angel after all!) as her views on sex would fringe on Victorian and she hasn’t had sex since Truman was in office.

(My)My Weekly Winner: Honestly this one goes to the wine — even though I hated it.

(W’s) Wine Thoughts: Before I say anything I want to say this, I used to make fun of Pinot Grigio. I used to say it only tasted like heavy acidic water. And while I will continue to make fun of it, I would like to make it clear that the wine itself (translated: grey cluster) is actually a little more dynamic than I assumed. But, like, not much.

3,000 lifetimes ago I was but a simple low level employee working at a city owned liquor store. And lo, did I sell the shit out of Pinot Grigio. Ye did the gates of the store burst forth often, birthing older women into our aisles. Older women (generally speaking) who most likely sought refuge from their weird William Hurt like partners and their constant negging. Refuge in the form of the almighty Grigio! It was always there for them when they were in need. And I was the gatekeeper…The wine itself however is far less epic than anything I could have expected…Smelling of plastic bananas, hay and did I mention plastic? This wine reminds me of playing with new toys as a little kid. Fresh plastic toys out of their fresh plastic packaging. Fairly toxic. Seemingly edible. I was always tempted to put them in my mouth. On the palate this wine tastes like under ripe apples, pretty yummy kiwi, lemon ice cream and the kind of vomit inducing medicine you needed after trying to eat your toys. ⅖ stars

Michael…

(W’s) Movie Thoughts: In Short: Tabloid magazine writers want to save their reputation by bringing a real live angel (played so SO strangely by Travolta) back to the office in Chicago. Along the way they learn to truly live is to be human and to be human is to feel humility…or to forgive…or…or…Jesus I have NO idea what this movie is trying to say. Angels are sexy. John Travolta got to dance a little bit, a mediocre amount of hilarity ensued. To be perfectly honest with you, my partner segwayed into this so well I can’t thank her enough. The last time I witnessed this atrocity with mine own eyes was maybe 20 years ago. At this point in my life it’s very rare for me to have last experienced something “20 years ago”. Which I think says a lot about the re-watchability of this…thing. It really only needs to be seen once, if that. I last watched it with my mom and a most likely half-interested Dad. That being said, this movie is dripping with nostalgia for me. Randy Newman opens the film which calls me back to Toy Story (1995), Bob Hoskins plays what I can only assume was meant to be a villain (his character is so unneeded) but he of course will ALWAYS be Smee from Hook (1991). And weirdly enough John Travolta has this (for better or for worse) direct link to my formative years. I must have seen Grease (1978) 37 times as a little kid not to mention Look Who’s Talking (1989). The best way for me to phrase it is this, John Travolta was as accessible as oxygen growing up. Sadly but honestly, I remember this film fondly. But that, I think, is growing up. Memories of times gone by. Things we enjoyed then but if experienced now are just too different and strike far different chords. Like picking up new plastic toys only instead of the thrill of a brand new action figure, you end up with a headache from the toxic smell. ⅕ stars

(W’s) Comparison: Crushingly disappointing. Irresponsibly bad. My venn diagram for this weeks movie and this weeks wine is just one large all inclusive, unhappy circle. Both reminiscent of past experiences and both are experiences about which I wish to not reminisce. Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad. Love you guys.

(W’s) Weekly Winner: John Travolta, for tricking me all these years.

The weekly winner is Pinot Grigio!

L’chaim!

Citations:

Murphy Goode 2014 Pinot Grigio, California

Michael. Dir. Nora Ephron. New Line Cinema, 1996. Film.

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4 thoughts on “Michael vs. Pinot Grigio

  1. amandajanik

    I have a personal thing against John Travolta, so you’ve saved me from ever having to watch this movie. Not…that…I guess I never would have anyway, but you never know. This post cracked me up – thanks for the review(s)!

    Like

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